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Top 10 Reasons to Carry a Spork

Results of a reader contest, featuring the Top 10 Reasons to Carry a Spork List, and "Ode to a Spork" cowboy poetry by Paul Johnson.


by the Readership | 2005-07-13 03:00:00-06

Top 10 Reasons to Carry a Spork

What follows is the result of a reader contest held by what are the top 10 reasons to carry a spork while backpacking?

Top 10 Reasons to Carry a Spork

  1. Performs double duty as a camp trowel, backscratcher, tent stake, self defense weapon, signal or toilet mirror, bookmark, witchin' stick, ice axe, piton, shoestring tightener, repair needle (requires hole in end), stealth camp wind chime, say "ahhh" stick, and peanut butter spreading jig.
  2. Sporks can be used in after dinner on-the-trail puppet shows for Trekkies: e.g., don't you love the episode where Mr. Spork fights off the evil Ramenulons?
  3. You can play the Kevin Bacon Game with a Spork. Spork sounds like Mork. Mork was played by Robin Williams. Robin Williams is a fan of Lance Armstrong. Lance Armstrong has a resting heart rate of 34. Kevin Bacon has a resting heart rate of 134. You can TOTALLY see the spork-Kevin Bacon connection here.
  4. Hybrid styling reflects trends towards a unisex society.
  5. Doesn't Ray use one?
  6. Useful for raking Zen patterns in sand while meditating.
  7. Trail crochet.
  8. "Spork" beats "Foon".
  9. Sex appeal.
  10. Two words: "Got spork?"

Top 10 List Credits: Paul Johnson, Chad Lorenz, Casey Lindstrom, Catherine Moore, Gerry Olenick, Dave Plantenga, Alec Rieger, and Bob Spencer

Cowboy Spork Poetry

Submitted By Paul Johnson

Ode to a Spork

Alone on the trail, with m'trusty ole Spork.
It's made'f pure Ti, ain't no rusty fork.

It serves so many uses,
It's utility never loses;
It's my friend, it's my mate, it's my Spork!

At days end I bivy, and cook up my sup,
It's all hot and steamin', in my solo Ti cup.
Then into the cup, the Spork I do dip,
And lift up the Spork, straight on to my lip.

I taste all the goodness, the warmth, and the food.
My heart is so thankful; it no longer doth brood.
I lift up my eyes,
give thanks up above
for my friend, for my mate, for my Spork!

Then into my bag, beneath my taut tarp.
The sounds from my belly, like sounds from a harp.
This night I'll sleep well
til morn's light surely swells

Tis much thanks I owe
to my friend, to my mate, to my Spork.

Spork Bits

Little known trivia about the spork.

Did you know that the spork was actually the first utensil ever invented? Moses invented a three-tined spork to illustrate to the Israelites that each tine was symbolic to their right to God's love, fruitful land, and a lightweight desert pack. Rumor has it that Moses parted the Red Sea, of course, with his staff, but what do you think was lashed on the upper end, reflecting the power of God off its shiny bowl back to Pharoah et al? You got it: a spork.

Ryan Jordan and Alan Dixon got caught with too-light packs and their pants down at 12k in a storm in the Tetons, with an all-night rappel ahead of them down an unknown mountain couloir. They had 14 rappels total and ran out of gear after 13. After fishing through their packs and searching for that last piece of protection (there wasn't one), Ryan muttered with dismay, "Dang, I knew I shoulda brought a spork."

You can flick mashed potatoes the farthest with a Vargo Ti Spork. The design works so well in terms of potato capacity and balance that you'd'a thought Brian Vargo designed the spork exactly for this purpose. Watch the backlash, though, and wear goggles: the deep tines of the Vargo Spork can whip spuds right back in your eye.

Need a Spork?

Try here: Sporkelicous


"Top 10 Reasons to Carry a Spork," by the Readership. (ISSN 1537-0364)., 2005-07-13 03:00:00-06.