Not so odd Ken, this self is very intuitive, very open, often can FEEL others very deeply and time/space or lack of spoken communication or direct interaction are no barriers.
Knew what and who you were talking about, which is why i replied the way i did. Could feel the dislike and the intolerance. Also know what's going on below the surface, in the unconscious and conscious, the pain, the depression, the lack of self love behind it. The seething rage bottled deep upside, and the layer of melancholy sadness and grey, numb over same. You were born sensitive too, but this broken world, broke your heart, and now habitual bitterness, cynicism, avoidance are your defenses against those difficult feelings and knowings.
But so much good in you, very loyal and in your own way, very giving, often a rock to others close to you and an older soul. Would do almost anything for those whom you love, respect, and trust. But it's not enough to love and accept those whom you love, it needs to become wider, more expanded.
Ken, if i could leave this world without breaking my contract, or hurting those few who do love and accept me, i would, or at least i feel that way in my moments of weakness/ego/self pity/own self pain. We have that much in common at least ;) I wish i fit in more, i wish i didn't know the things i know, or have the experiences i've had, or not feel the sense of responsibility to try to affect positive change and foster awareness.
I've never been accepted by the majority of those around me, ever since i can remember, being little, was made to feel different, not belong, not liked, not accepted, strange. Being "picked on" doesn't being to describe it, and believe it or not, for most of my life, i've been pretty quiet, introverted, withdrawn, unexpressive. Yet, still often disliked, and occasionally even despised.
When i was very little, could feel so much suffering in this world, all around me, in most people, it literally HURT. So when asked what i wanted to be when i grew up, the only thing i could think of was a "doctor" to everyone, everywhere. Wanted to help people get past that pain, that self dislike, to see the beauty in themselves, in others, in the world.. because despite the darkness and the brokenness of this world, it still has so much more beauty than just the obvious nature part. Felt so much love for this world and for everyone, but from kindergarten on to present day to varying degrees, have had people really dislike me.
Deep down you resent that the world hasn't broken my heart, and embittered me. You see me as a deluded, fake, egotistical beyond belief, imbalanced, when in reality i'm making up/balancing for 25 years of my 34 years of my life being quiet and withdrawn to the point of near autistic behavior. I've transformed so much of the fear inside, and am almost naked to the world, and deep down that bothers you irrationally and strongly. You keep so much hidden, out of fear, caution, self preservation. You only open up to those you trust, and those you test well before giving that trust. I know how that is, i use to be like that too.
Well, in any case, i'm going to take a vacation from here for quite a long while. Just want you to know that i love you (and everyone) deeply and unconditionally, forgive you, and wish you happiness and peace. I know i can be a little much at times, annoying and over self expressive. I'm trying to find my balance, and still have plenty of issues and ego to work on too.
And i'm somewhat content (and also sad for Becky and our future children) in knowing that i may get what i wish for sooner than later, as my wife has had a few future oriented dreams wherein i die young, one pinpointed my mid 40's or so after we have had a few kids. Meanwhile, i will try to do the best i can with what i know, and will always try to follow in my Teacher's footsteps and example, though often failing.