Since we're transitioning from the absurd to a serious conversation....
We're mostly in agreement with the exception of the Soviet Union's desire to expand. And even then I'm not in total disagreement with you. We were not just trying to contain the Soviet Union, we were trying to contain communism in general.
As far as the Soviets are concerned, they made plans to split Poland with Germany at the time they signed the non aggression pact before WWII. The Iron Curtain speaks for itself. Czechoslovakia and Hungary were invaded by the Soviets. East Germans were held captive behind a wall. The Soviet Union toyed with Turkey and carved off a piece of Iran for oil rights.
As we watched the Soviets and tried to figure out their next move, Mao & co. established the PRC in 1949, the Korean War shortly thereafter, one million card carrying communists almost won power in France, no one had any idea what the two million communists in Italy were going to do, Greece had a thriving communist party, etc, etc.
So we dug our heels with our containment policy with Vietnam. You are absolutely correct. I had a History of the American War in Vietnam prof. who spent a couple tours in Vietnam as a soldier and a few years afterwards as a CIA officer; he said the same thing as you, "Instead of bombs and grunts, we should have invaded Vietnam with Cadillacs and Lincolns." I think after being invaded by China, French Colonialism, Japan, only to have us liberate them from Japan and then turn around and deputize the Japanese to police Vietnam... they were looking for anything which would allow for them to live as an independent nation and the banner of communism offered them the most hope.
Even after we enacted the containment policy the Soviets kept us on our toes. They obviously had our attention during the Cuban Missile Crisis.
In light of all this, I don't think our fears were unfounded and our investments in our defense to be unwise. Don't get me wrong, I spent a decade in the military and was sickened to see KBR and other companies run off with truck loads of money but I don't think the Cold War was invented to fund a DOD good ol' boy system. Would the Soviets have ever launched a nuclear missile at us? Dunno but I think M.A.D. helped to hedge our bets.