"Whaddya gonna do? Tie me up with dental floss, beat me with titanium sporks, and steal my Tevas?"
Whoa! Them is some bold words, particularly coming from someone who openly admits to wearing Tevas.
I may not carry a fancy spork and my bivy may not use stakes forged from advanced space-aged materials but I do carry a small plastic dropper bottle at least half-way full of Dr. Bronner's ... Eucalyptus ... and let you be warned that "T-funk" ain't afraid to use it.
(BTW, just as a reminder, I am now referred to as "T-Funk". Just so no one gets confused about who it is we are going after. T-funk = me. Hiker formerly known as T-funk = dead meat.)