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Ryan Smith
(ViolentGreen) - M

Locale: Southeast
Re: Re: Cesar on 02/14/2013 19:02:41 MST Print View

LOL.

+1 Michael L.

Ryan

Lynn Tramper
(retropump) - F

Locale: The Antipodes of La Coruna
Farting on 02/14/2013 19:10:30 MST Print View

OK you jokesters, is this a joke or not (from today's NZ local media)? Either way it's pretty funny!

In-flight flatulence is ok

Passengers have been cleared to fart on flights, at least by scientists.

On balance researchers say it's better to let it out than to hold it in.

The scientists say in-flight flatulence could be combated with stench-stifling charcoal seats or undies.

But curbing the foul fug doesn't end with charcoal, they also reckon trousers and blankets could benefit from odour-neutralising technology, and go so far as to recommend the ''extreme'' measure of fitting passengers with rubber pants - replete with vapour-collecting air bag.

The team of British and Danish gastroenterologists published the study ''Flatulence on airplanes: just let it go'' in the New Zealand Medical Journal today.

Other ''politically incorrect'' solutions included barring the fart-prone from flying or tampering with the fibre content of airline food to ''reduce its flatulent potential.''

The piece also provides some ripe ammunition in the battle of the sexes - the researchers found there was no evidence suggesting men let rip more than women.

However, they do cite studies showing women's ''flatulence odour is significantly worse compared to that of men".

The banning of smoking on commercial flights had boosted ''the risk of nasally detecting even small amounts of intestinal gases'' in modern cabins where roughly 50 per cent of air is reticulated and improvements in sound-proofing meant passengers were more likely to be able to hear the sulphurous rumblings of others.

Researchers even drew a distinction between the proverbial loud-but-proud and silent-but-violent, defined as "sneaking a fart" versus a "loud fart- where a large amount of intestinal gas is passed through the anus in a short period of time.''

Overall they concluded, despite the social costs of public flatus, letting it out was better than holding it in.

Restraining gas lead to a raft of ''significant drawbacks'' including discomfort, pain, bloating, indigestion, stress and heartburn.

Trapping could also be problematic for those afflicted with fart incontinence or those that had fallen asleep, leaving both groups open to the embarrassment of involuntary farts triggered by turbulence, coughing and sneezing.

Although scientifically preferred liberating wind was not without its pitfalls.

''Obviously proximity to other passengers may cause conflict and stigmatisation of the flatulating individual.''

Farting also presented a soiling hazard, which ''may require damage control in the airplane toilet".

Stinkiness could also affect the cabin crew's quality of life but more importantly could cause turbulence in the cockpit.

''The pilots may encounter the opposite of a win/win situation. On one hand, if the pilot restrains a fart, all the drawbacks previously mentioned, including diminished concentration, may affect his abilities to control the airplane.

"On the other hand, if he lets go of the fart his copilot may be affected by its odour, which again reduces safety on-board the flight.''

Doug I.
(idester) - MLife

Locale: MidAtlantic
Re: Farting on 02/14/2013 19:17:30 MST Print View

Free at last, free at last, thank spaghetti monster almighty, free to fart at last!

Lynn Tramper
(retropump) - F

Locale: The Antipodes of La Coruna
Re: Re: Farting on 02/14/2013 19:22:22 MST Print View

Just tell your girlfriend/wife/partner that it's allowed on airplanes, so it should be fine to do at home too!

spelt the enigmatic
(spelt) - F

Locale: SW/C PA
Re: Farting on 02/14/2013 19:41:38 MST Print View

"go so far as to recommend the ''extreme'' measure of fitting passengers with rubber pants - replete with vapour-collecting air bag. "

I can't decide if this wins over the study where they proposed fitting sheep with fart-capturing devices to collect the methane (oops should this be in the Carbon Flame War thread?) or not. I'll call it a draw. Maybe if someone did a feasibility study they'd find the US could meet our natural gas needs from passenger fart collection and they could stop fracking the Marcellus shale. Airplane flights could become carbon neutral. Particularly flatulent passengers could receive rebates at the end of the flight for gas collected in excess of the value of their ticket. The sky's the limit.

Franco Darioli
(Franco) - M

Locale: Melbourne
"Men's fiery trail" on 02/14/2013 19:43:20 MST Print View

Lynn
I'll pass on that one...

Anyway here is a possibly politically correct version of the farty tail :

Once upon a time, a person asked another person 'Will you engage in an unspecified situation with me?'

The second person said something

And the first person lived somehow after that and did something and something else and something else a lot and drank something and something else (but more expensive) and had copious amounts of money in the bank (in a non interest returning account) and left the toilet seat up and farted *at will .

The End / Beginning (cross/star of David off the unwanted one)




*Sorry I had to leave that in because it doesn't sound all that funny without it.

Edited by Franco on 02/14/2013 20:04:27 MST.

samuel smillie
(sam_smillie) - F

Locale: central canada
re sheep gas capture on 02/14/2013 19:52:45 MST Print View

I recall reading an article about a company whose business model centred around shooting kangaroos with a high powered rifle from a helicopter in the outback to collect carbon credits due to the high greenhouse gas emissions of said animals. No joke

spelt the enigmatic
(spelt) - F

Locale: SW/C PA
Re: re sheep gas capture on 02/14/2013 19:58:14 MST Print View

"I recall reading an article about a company whose business model centred around shooting kangaroos with a high powered rifle from a helicopter in the outback to collect carbon credits due to the high greenhouse gas emissions of said animals. No joke"

Absurdities associated with creating markets for ecosystem services: exhibit A

Travis Leanna
(T.L.) - MLife

Locale: Wisconsin
What I've learned from this thread on 02/14/2013 20:16:49 MST Print View

I've learned that I have more things in common with some of you than I realized.


God help my soul.

Dave U
(FamilyGuy) - F

Locale: Rockies
Re: "Men's fiery trail" on 02/14/2013 20:20:42 MST Print View

Is it just me and my drinking habits or are there some seriously talented people on this forum.

Travis Leanna
(T.L.) - MLife

Locale: Wisconsin
Re: Re: "Men's fiery trail" on 02/14/2013 20:38:20 MST Print View

Either we have the same drinking habits or there actually are some very talented people. Either way, I'm currently indulging in an oatmeal milk stout.

Nick Gatel
(ngatel) - MLife

Locale: Southern California
Re: Happily married men? on 02/14/2013 21:56:08 MST Print View

“Just wondering, all joking aside, how many of you men (or women) participating on this thread are actually in a happy committed relationship (OK, call it 'married' if you like)? And if so, what is it about your partner that keeps you happy? Is it because they allow you to drink, have a man-cave, control the telly, shop-til-you-drop, sit and be a blob, cook great meals?? Or is it something else?”
----------------------------

Okay, I’ll share.

My wife is my best friend. I love her for her virtues. My love is the payment, so to speak, for the enjoyment I get from her impeccable character.

My wife cannot become upset because of what someone says or does. Only she can make herself upset – and she chooses not to be upset.

My wife has experienced the sadness of the loss of loved ones -- probably more than most people her age have suffered; but she focuses on the life they lived and who they were. She remembers the life lived; not the life lost.

My wife is always happy. So happy in fact, that she makes everyone around her happy. For example, I went to our new dentist a few weeks after she went. When the receptionist saw my name, she asked if I was related to Joyce. When I said I was her husband, she called everyone in the office to come out front and meet me. My wife had made that much of an impact on the entire staff during her visit. And this happens at supermarkets, department stores, etc. I have gotten to the point where I shop with cash, because everyone wants to congratulate me for being married to such a wonderful person when they see my name on a credit card.

My wife knows that life is going to throw bad things and obstacles in her path; and knowing that, when bad things happen, she picks herself up and keeps on going.

My wife roots for the underdog. She does not feel sorry for them. She has empathy. She motivates them by trying to be a good example and an inspiration.

My wife does not expect anyone to respect her. She earns respect by who she is and what she does. Sometimes she has to work harder and longer than others to get equal treatment – she knows it isn't fair -- but sometimes that is life. She is thankful that she has the opportunity to prove her worth. She knows that in any situation eventually people will judge her for who she is. So in essence, she demands respect by her character and virtues.

My wife is happy to go camping on our anniversary, even though she would rather go on a cruise.

My wife will let me go backpacking by myself anytime I want, but I prefer to spend most weekends with her.

My wife would not complain if I drank beer, farted, and watched football all weekend. But she knows I wouldn’t because it would be disrespectful; and I would rather do things with her anyway. I never leave the toilet seat up. She never told me to leave it down.

My wife likes Valentine’s Day. I think it is a commercial thing to sell stuff to the public. I buy her Valentine’s gifts because I love her.

My wife and I don’t always agree on politics. We respect each other’s opinion. We enjoy debating it.

Reader's Digest used to have a monthly article called, My Most Unforgettable Character. Don't know if they still do publish that each month, but many people would tell you my wife this that person. I am the lucky one who got to marry her.

My wife doesn't tell jokes that make fun of others. She once told me a joke about a turtle and a scorpion. It was more of a story with a moral. She doesn't tell jokes because she is happy with who she is; she doesn't need to artificially make herself happy at someone else's expense.

I don't tell jokes any more. My wife taught me how to be happy.

My wife has made me a better person, because of who she is.

Lastly, my wife is hot :)

Nick Gatel
(ngatel) - MLife

Locale: Southern California
Socrates and the Joke on 02/14/2013 22:02:41 MST Print View

One day the great philosopher Socrates came upon an acquaintance who ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you want to hear a joke?"

"Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before you tell me I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test."

"Triple filter?" asked the acquaintance.

"That's right," Socrates continued. "Before you tell me the joke let's take a moment to filter what you're going to say. The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"

"No," the man said, "actually I just heard it."

"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell something good?"

"No, on the contrary..."

"So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad, even though you're not certain it's true?"

The man shrugged, a little embarrassed. Socrates continued. "You may still pass the test though, because there is a third filter -- the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me going to be useful to me?"

"No, not really..."

"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me at all?"

Michael L
(mpl_35) - MLife

Locale: The Palouse
Socrates on 02/14/2013 22:11:52 MST Print View

"We'll Socrates, I'm going to tell you a JOKE because its funny. So stop being an ass."

Edited by mpl_35 on 02/14/2013 22:12:24 MST.

Franco Darioli
(Franco) - M

Locale: Melbourne
Happily married man (???) on 02/14/2013 22:20:37 MST Print View

"Lastly, my wife is hot "

Six Hundred and twenty two words of praise only to tell us that you are too cheap to buy a decent air conditioning system ?

Dave U
(FamilyGuy) - F

Locale: Rockies
Re: Socrates and the Joke on 02/14/2013 22:46:12 MST Print View

Nick, you missed the entire punch line to that joke:

"This is why Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem. It also explains why he never found out his best friend was screwing his wife."

Kronos Master of Fate
(kthompson) - MLife

Locale: Behind the Redwood Curtain
Re: Hey Socrates on 02/14/2013 22:54:02 MST Print View

Let me get you a drink.

Travis Leanna
(T.L.) - MLife

Locale: Wisconsin
Re: Re: Hey Socrates on 02/14/2013 23:05:33 MST Print View

Drinks?Ggg

Edited by T.L. on 02/14/2013 23:06:24 MST.

Franco Darioli
(Franco) - M

Locale: Melbourne
"soccer tales" on 02/14/2013 23:29:22 MST Print View

"It also explains why he never found out his best friend was screwing his wife"
Not many people know this but eventually he did.
His comment was "with friends like that who needs enemas?"

(I had to look this up because I thought Socrates was the name of the Greek Football Federation)

Dave U
(FamilyGuy) - F

Locale: Rockies
Myths on 02/14/2013 23:38:38 MST Print View

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw an unusually beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight toward his seat. Lo and behold, she took the seat right beside his.

Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?" She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniac Convention in Chicago".

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"

"Lecturer," she responded. "I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

"Really, " he said, "what myths are those?"

"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait."Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Jewish descent. We have, however, found that the best potential lover in all categories is the Southern redneck." Suddenly, the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing this with you. I don't even know your name."

"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein. But my friends call me Bubba."

Edited by FamilyGuy on 02/14/2013 23:44:55 MST.