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Nick Gatel
(ngatel) - MLife

Locale: Southern California
We Need to "Lighten Up" on 10/06/2011 14:23:25 MDT Print View

Maybe a few jokes will help?

Here is a funny one my wife forwarded to be yesterday.


REPLACEMENT WINDOWS

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with that expensive double-pane energy efficient kind, and today, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago and I still hadn't paid for them.

Hellloooo,............just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I told him just what his fast talking sales guy had told me last year, that in ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves! Helllooooo? It's been a year! I told him.

There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up. He never called back. I bet he felt like an idiot.

:)

Leigh Baker
(leighb) - F

Locale: Northeast Texas Pineywoods
re: "We Need to "Lighten Up"" on 10/09/2011 06:24:39 MDT Print View

:) :) :) :)!

Keith Bassett
(keith_bassett)

Locale: Pacific NW
Join The Club on 10/13/2011 17:35:09 MDT Print View

Another joke, one from my grandfather. A real groaner.

A young logger recently out of rural Oregon moved into a big city and decided to join a snooty local club. So he approached the club president and asked what he needed to do to become a member.

The club president didn't want to let any scruffy woodsmen join, so he told him "you have to do three things to to be a member." "Drink a gallon of schnapps at one sitting, box a bear with no gloves on, and make love to the most beautiful woman in the city. That will prove that you are 'Man enough' to be a member here."

He was certain that at least one of those things would prevent the club from having to let any loggers join, and his hope seemed confirmed as the kid stumbled out looking disappointed.

A day later the logger stumbled back into the lodge covered with scratches and stinking of schnapps and bear. He wove back and forth, then stumbled up the club president. "Where is this beautiful woman that I need to fight?"

Needless to say, they let him in without any further resistance.

Jesse Glover
(hellbillylarry) - F

Locale: southern appalachians
Re: We Need to "Lighten Up" on 10/13/2011 18:39:57 MDT Print View

So 2 business men are talking over lunch. And the first one says:
"so I really screwed up today with my secretary. You know how she is very well endowed, so I was asking her to get me 2 tickets to Pittsburg and what came out was "I need to pickets to titsburg.""
Other guy says:
"You know something similar happened to me this morning, I was having breakfast with my wife and what I meant to say was can you please pass the Post Toasties and what came out was "you f'n b you ruined my life.""

Ben 2 World
(ben2world) - MLife

Locale: So Cal
What the Battery Said to the Potato Chip on 10/13/2011 18:45:35 MDT Print View

Hi, I am Eveready. Are you Free-to-Lay?

Dave T
(DaveT) - F
nothing like... on 10/13/2011 21:12:57 MDT Print View

... nothing like attempts to have women feel comfortable being part of BPL.

Ken Thompson
(kthompson) - MLife

Locale: Behind the Redwood Curtain
Re: nothing like... on 10/13/2011 21:50:25 MDT Print View

Good one Dave.

Steven Adeff
(TinCanFury) - F

Locale: Boston
2 tickets to Pittsburg on 10/13/2011 23:25:49 MDT Print View

the "2 tickets to Pittsburg" joke was a favorite of an ex of mine, so, against popular belief, yes, women do have a sense of humor.

Jesse Glover
(hellbillylarry) - F

Locale: southern appalachians
Re: nothing like... on 10/14/2011 05:46:12 MDT Print View

Did you hear the one about the hipster that bought the iPad?

He heard Steve Jobs was underground.



No women were harmed in the making of this joke.

Diplomatic Mike
(MikefaeDundee)

Locale: Under a bush in Scotland
Yep on 10/14/2011 06:03:14 MDT Print View

Adolf Hitler knocks on the door of heaven, seeking admission.
Jesus looks at 'the list' and tells Adolf he can't get in as he is responsible for the deaths of millions of folk.
Adolf pleads his case, talking about all the jobs he created, making the trains run on time, etc.
They argue back and forth, until Adolf offers Jesus an Iron Cross, the highest honor Germany can offer.
Jesus is tempted, so tells Adolf to wait while he consults his dad.
"Hey Dad, a guy called Adolf Hitler wants in, but he's on the 'bad list."
God answers Jesus. "Adolf f*****g Hitler! Are you mad? He is a mass murderer!"
Jesus replies, "but he has offered me an Iron Cross, the highest honor Germany can bestow!"
God hits back, "An Iron Cross? You couldn't even carry a wooden one you big girly!"