So everytime I go on a solo trip...
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larry savage
(pyeyo) - F

Locale: pacific northwest
So everytime I go on a solo trip... on 08/20/2006 22:05:42 MDT Print View

So everytime I go on a solo trip my wife does some little interesting thing to get my attention.
Today when I got home she had cleaned the acrylic bathtub with Comet, 2 weeks ago she washed the cat in Tide after giving it a haircut. In June she accidently deleted all the favorites file and all the passwords and cookies.
Now you all are thinking I'm a huge jerk, do nothing for her, do not take her anyplace, and just run off at the drop of the hat to play, well yer right.
Just kidding. I do a decent job of balancing our life and our needs, I think this has become a game and I'm losing without being invited to play.
Is Dr. Phil got any interest in SUL backpacking.

Mike Storesund
(mikes) - F
Re: So everytime I go on a solo trip... on 08/20/2006 22:51:35 MDT Print View

>> "Is Dr. Phil got any interest in SUL backpacking." <<

Does that stand for Single Ultra Light?

Just kidding.

Glenn Roberts
(garkjr) - F

Locale: Southwestern Ohio
Getting your attention on 08/21/2006 06:25:43 MDT Print View

What does she do to get your attention while you're home? (And do you feel like counting the cutlery or sleeping with one eye open?) :)

mark henley
(flash582) - F
Behavior on 08/21/2006 10:16:30 MDT Print View

Sounds like you need to do one of several things ...

Give up your solo trips and/or backpacking to please your wife and make yourself unhappy.

or

Keep going on your trips and put up with the "cute" behavior.

or

Sit down and have a long talk with your wife, try to reach a compromise.

or

See a good attorney.

Personnally ... I'd go the talking route, but that's just me.

larry savage
(pyeyo) - F

Locale: pacific northwest
Re: Behavior on 08/21/2006 10:36:48 MDT Print View

I feel I've got a lot invested in the current spousal unit, emotiom,time,intangible things that really add up...this is sort of a mischievous behavior. At first I thought with the computer she was just stretching her wings but now it's just too clever to be a coincidence. I'll work on the communication as I really "like to talk" things to death.
Just one trip in sept. and one in oct.,how much damage can a wee little thing do?

mark henley
(flash582) - F
Re: Re: Behavior on 08/21/2006 12:43:19 MDT Print View

Speaking from over 20 years of marital experience, women are constantly "testing" men .... I don't think that a particular reason exists ... it's just the way it is ... kind of like how guys don't like to ask for directions, etc.

You're being tested and you're being measured on your response.

So, I conferred with my wife to ensure that my logic was sound:

Allow me to translate: She doesn't want you to go but she wants it to be your idea.

If it were her idea, then you might resent her for asking you not to do something you love to do.

If it is your idea, then she gets what she wants without guilt.

Just a thought ... why don't you take her with you? You haul 70% of the combined weight, pack a surprise bota of wine, some candles, some cheese, and a sleeping bag for two. Cut down the miles, take her to camp near a waterfall or hot springs, and turn it into a romantic adventure.

Your reasoning could be something like: " I so want to be with the person I love most in this world and enjoy the place I love most in this world."

If she'll go with ... the cat will be safe!

larry savage
(pyeyo) - F

Locale: pacific northwest
Re: Re: Re: Behavior on 08/21/2006 15:54:59 MDT Print View

I appreciate your thoughtful comments and your wife's insight, this probably explains the 20 years.
I was married to my first wife for quite a long time, she kinda of grew up with my dirt bag lifestyle. Unfortunately her expiration date came way too soon.
I will tell you the one thing I've learned, absolutely zero operating systems transfer from one significant other to the next. Nada,zip,...
Perhaps she is uncomfortable with the climbing aspect or the whole enchilada I'm not sure but I will heed you and your wife's advice and make a nice sweet romantic bug free easy overnighter with gourmet dirt bag food and mucho ambiance.
I just canceled out of a trip in early sept. I thank you, the cat thanks you..
I also intend to steal your "line" word for word you romantic devil.

Ron Bell
(mountainlaureldesigns) - F - M

Locale: USA
human nature on 08/22/2006 10:39:37 MDT Print View

While this little tale may not help with your particular situation, is is never-the-less a pretty hardwired rule about individual human behavior.

The Scorpion and the Frog

A scorpion badly needed to get to the other side of a little stream. She could not swim. She asked a frog if he would let her ride across on her back.

The frog was leary. "You'll just sting me when we get to the other side and I'll die."

"Oh No, I promise I won't and I'll repay the favor sometime" said the Scorpion.

The frog agreed to the ride. Just as the frog reached the other side the Scorpion stung him and lept off to dry ground.

Why did you do that asked the dying frog?

It's just my nature said the Scorpion.

(The gender roles of the tale could be reversed.)

mark henley
(flash582) - F
Re: human nature on 08/22/2006 12:55:50 MDT Print View

Amen brother

larry savage
(pyeyo) - F

Locale: pacific northwest
Re: Re: human nature on 08/22/2006 17:57:37 MDT Print View

Somehow I'm pretty sure I won't be sharing this thread with the spousal unit. It's just my nature....

Lynda Swink
(llswink) - F
A woman's point of view... on 08/23/2006 10:04:42 MDT Print View

>>>>So everytime I go on a solo trip my wife does some little interesting thing to get my attention....

Larry, your wife is not gaining attention she is just plain vendictive. Next time you go out on a trip, make sure you "back up" the computer (if you don't have the apparatus you should make the investment as it is essential equipment), put the cat in the pet resort of your choice, and buy some Soft Scrub. BTW, the idea of inviting her along once in a while is a great one. You both could have an awesome time and who knows... she may even begin to like it!

larry savage
(pyeyo) - F

Locale: pacific northwest
Re: A woman's point of view... on 08/23/2006 17:41:21 MDT Print View

I may be as dense as a soggy box of cheerios but I'm starting to get the message, thanks.

Summit CO
(Summit) - F

Locale: 9300ft
well on 08/23/2006 19:36:39 MDT Print View

Try: Sex... if that doesnt' work... lots of sex... if that doesn't work... lots of kinky sex... if that doesn't work... at least it was fun... just a suggestion...

larry savage
(pyeyo) - F

Locale: pacific northwest
Re: well on 08/23/2006 22:12:21 MDT Print View

Maybe I just posted this on the wrong website after all these clothing discussions we could just skip it at backpackingreallylightnudeand rumpleydumping.

William Wright
(FarStar)
Re: Re: Re: Behavior on 08/25/2006 18:03:45 MDT Print View

Mark,

"She doesn't want you to go but she wants it to be your idea. If it were her idea, then you might resent her for asking you not to do something you love to do. If it is your idea, then she gets what she wants without guilt."

I believe your assessment, confirmed by your wife, is deadly accurate. There is one sure solution to Larry's problem: he needs to schedule twice as many trips, but then cancel half of them--without being asked--because he "prefers to be with his wife instead."

Bill

mark henley
(flash582) - F
Re: Re: Re: Re: Behavior on 08/28/2006 09:22:45 MDT Print View

I like it!

larry savage
(pyeyo) - F

Locale: pacific northwest
Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Behavior on 08/28/2006 20:10:31 MDT Print View

My first attempt in leveling the playing field was to take our daughter out and let her have weekend to herself, much to my suprise the cat and dog are the same color, the computer still functions, and all my lingerie is not shredded and tied in knots.
For the short term I'm just letting my backcountry goals slide but fall is the big season and I intend to schmoze my way into a couple of things.
There actually is some merit in planning more and then changing my plans, obviously asking for one weekend a month didn't work. Let me know how the sex,sex, sex method works out because I'm just getting past the resentment,resentment, resentment one. men are from mars, women are from kelty...

Bruce Lewis
(blewis) - F

Locale: Northern California
Your wife's message on 08/28/2006 22:22:29 MDT Print View

Larry,

It's pretty clear she is worried about you going out alone...that you may not come back and is expressing it in a weird way. Just ask her what's up and if that's the worry, get a backpacking partner.

Although I know all you soloists love going solo, the a basic tenet of backpacking is not to go alone because it is too dangerous.

Bruce Lewis
http://lightbackpacking.com

Christopher Plesko
(Pivvay) - F

Locale: Rocky Mountains
Re: Your wife's message on 08/29/2006 07:13:57 MDT Print View

I'm pretty sure most wives are universally opposed to the solo trips. I know my wife *much* prefers when I have a partner. So I compromise and go with a partner or two whenever possible and she understands that for some of my crazier trips (races) that I'm going to be solo most of the time. In those cases she knows where I will be and when I expect to be back and we talk about my equipment choices together. You can't eliminate the danger of going solo completely but we've at least been able to reach a reasonable compromise/solution.

mark henley
(flash582) - F
Re: Re: Your wife's message on 08/29/2006 07:46:31 MDT Print View

Hey .... my Wife doesn't like it when I solo DAY hike, let alone head out into the backcountry for a weekend.

R Alsborg
(FastWalker) - MLife

Locale: Southwest
Re: Re: Re: Your wife's message on 08/29/2006 09:51:44 MDT Print View

Geeeezz......... I'm glad I'm single!

Edited by FastWalker on 08/29/2006 09:52:24 MDT.

Michael Wands
(walksoftly) - F

Locale: Piney Woods
Re: Re: Re: Re: Your wife's message on 08/29/2006 13:23:30 MDT Print View

You have to really be carefull about what you say to your spouse regarding solo hiking.

Telling dear wifie that my trail name was "Steps On Snake" was NOT SMART!!!

Telling my sweetie about the mountain lion tracks that circled my sleeping site was DEFINITELY NOT SMART!!!!

Now I try to keep everything very low key and just rant and rave about the peace and quiet of the out-of-doors. I don't really go into details about the trip, but do try to have some pictures of the more scenic places that I visit.

mark henley
(flash582) - F
Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Your wife's message on 08/29/2006 14:55:50 MDT Print View

So ... having a trail name of "eaten by Grizzly" or "AccidentWaitingToHappen" probably wouldn't inspire confidence either ...

Important relationship advice!

larry savage
(pyeyo) - F

Locale: pacific northwest
Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Your wife's message on 08/29/2006 17:41:50 MDT Print View

You know, trail names, climbing routes, and animals seen are all taken with a left-handed sort of pride, NOW I remember telling her this summit hasn't been repeated in a decade, that I saw 5 bears, that if there ever was a trail it's gone now and 1100 feet of devil's club got me back on track.
From now on it's fuzzy bunnies on the pink fleece cloud trail for me.
What an idiot telling her about the years of S&R tales.
Way too many of my stories have a "and then the sun went down as the first snowflakes came down in earnest" part.
Soft sell the trip, take a partner, cancel out of half of the doubled number of trips, work on a nice romantic outing, make more money, lose ten pounds, keep our daughter occupied, so ... I can climb Glacier Peak in Oct., yippee.

Jay McCombs
(jmccombs) - MLife

Locale: Southwest
Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Your wife's message on 08/29/2006 19:35:38 MDT Print View

Hi Larry. Your wife is using displacement. Its a defense mechanism. What she really wants to do is delete your mental favorites by cracking your nugget and eliminate your "personal" cookies.

You have to talk to your wife. She's likely scared of something. Ask her why she doesn't like you going camping. You said you like to talk things to death earlier, but do you ever really listen to what she's telling you? You must find balance. Don't make your wife compete w/camping, make camping compete w/your wife.

Serriously, if you're really worried see a therapist. Relationships are hard, sometimes it takes someone elses perspective to help fix the little kinks.

Please send me your insurance information so I can bill them for this session.

douglas ray
(Dray)

Locale: Olympic Peninsula
If you really want to understand on 08/29/2006 19:38:34 MDT Print View

My best advice is to read the book "For Men only: A straitforeward guide to the inner lives of women" I just finished it and it is by fare the most usefull book I've ever come across for understanding your wife. It's also easy to read and not all that long. Than you'll be the one handing out marriage advice on the internet.

larry savage
(pyeyo) - F

Locale: pacific northwest
Re: If you really want to understand on 08/29/2006 20:29:52 MDT Print View

Can I take the book to read on a solo trip?
Just kidding, I truly appreciate the well thought advice from everyone I realized when I posted this that things needed to change, whether it's a lot of little stuff or as Jay points out some relationship counseling.
Found the book on Amazon, I'll try or local store first...I'll try to bring this back around in the fall for, as they say, some closure.

Steven Hanlon
(asciibaron) - F

Locale: Mid Atlantic
kharma on 10/10/2006 13:04:36 MDT Print View

i had a hardy laugh at your misfortune. well, kharma has bit me in the backside - my wife left a message yesterday morning on my cellphone informing me that the upstairs toilet overflowed and flooded the bathroom and laundry room below it.

when i got to my car after a wonderful 2 days at Dolly Sods, i listen to the message and than call her. i ask her if everything was ok and get a sob story about how she couldn't make it stop overflowing no matter how many times she tried to flush. when i asked her if she turned the silver handle next to the toilet that turns the water off, she told me in no uncertain terms that it would not budge.

so i get home and the first thing i do is see if i can break the water valve free in case the toilet floods again - it turns freely with little force.

kharma my friends, kharma. now i have to worry what is going to happen next time i go backpacking.

-steve

larry savage
(pyeyo) - F

Locale: pacific northwest
Re: kharma on 10/10/2006 19:54:57 MDT Print View

And so another tale begins....

mark henley
(flash582) - F
Re: Re: kharma on 10/11/2006 09:07:06 MDT Print View

Dig a hole and build a outhouse, then tell your wife that you're going to shut off all the toilets the next time your leaving.

Without a doubt, you'll get some type of response!

peter pattenbury
(P-Jay)

Locale: Australia
Reluctant Partners. on 10/17/2006 21:33:14 MDT Print View

And I thought I was the only bloke who had a back-packing incompatible partner.. thankyou for the insights guys..
My 0.02c worth: lavish much time and attention and care on partner. Assure her she's the one you want to spend your life with... but there's some things a man's gotta do. We aren't all stamped out of a cookie cutter; tell her to enjoy the differences; it is not de-valuing her or your relationship. I know some people are selfish, or demanding, or insecure. I found a good counsellor works...

Glenn Roberts
(garkjr) - F

Locale: Southwestern Ohio
OR... on 10/17/2006 21:38:21 MDT Print View

When you want to go backpacking, you could surprise her with an all-arrangements-made-by-you-in-advance weekend at a motel near her favorite shopping center, golf course, spa, etc. You both get to do something you enjoy - and there's nobody left at home to screw up the plumbing.

Edited by garkjr on 10/18/2006 04:35:31 MDT.

mark henley
(flash582) - F
Re: OR... on 10/23/2006 14:55:12 MDT Print View

Here's probably the best idea yet.

When you leave on a Solo trip, hand her a few $20's and ask her if she would mind buying some new shoes or a new outfit for herself, to wear out to dinner when you return. (The total value increases with trip length, by the way).

That way, you can equate your need for the backcountry with her need to buy shoes .... Viva la difference!