Your list sounds like what my wife is always saying! Which is a good thing, because she makes it a habit to be right. :)
Obviously, the tone won't work for everyone. It'll turn some people off. Not saying you should change anything- nothing will appeal to every person.
I'm happy to see that you're advocating weight training, cardio, and a better diet. A lot of the pop science stories I've seen lately say that changes in diet are more effective than exercise for weight loss. What they don't tell you are is how the studies were conducted and what they really say, preferring instead to provide a single sentence soundbite. Someone who is engaging in weight training and cardio in addition to an improved diet will experience a bigger jump in their quality of life than someone losing weight by changes in diet or some surgical intervention- increased energy, better sleep, stronger libido, etc etc. Much of that is supported by the scientific record, but my own belief in this is informed by personal experience.
Those principles are applicable to just about everyone, not just those who need or want to lose weight. I've known a lot of folks who don't need to lose weight who would benefit quite a bit from the kind of lifestyle you're advocating.
Now for the criticism. You throw the word "science" around too freely, and make claims about what the current scientific consensus is on different topics. It's a common thing to hear from people selling a diet, program, or weight loss pill. I'd do the research and provide references. You don't have to be terribly academic to do this.
An example... Given the group to which you appear to be marketing, instead of waving your "body science" wand and discounting any influence of genetics you should make your clients own up to what the scientific consensus is and take charge. From the studies I've seen, "fat genes" account for an increase of 1-10% of BMI. That is, it only is responsible for a small bit of that extra weight. An intelligent person armed with that knowledge has a better idea of what they have power over, instead of relying on the "fat genes" excuse or the "genes are irrelevant" line- both of which are unscientific crutches.
OK, just some thoughts!