This is a very complex story. I won't get into all of the details. They are not really important. It is what it is. A good friend of mine is going to die. She was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer almost 3 years ago. She has lived with it for a long time... fighting the fight. She had an update from her doctor 2 days ago... 3 to 4 months to live. It's truly heart breaking. We all knew it was going to happen eventually. You are just never prepared. We hope the doctors are wrong. They have been before... she's strong, but her health has been degrading over time. I have a gut feeling that they might be right this time.

What does all this mean, and how does it affect me? Well, she has a little boy. His name is Dalton. He is 6 years old and full of life. He doesn't even know his mom is about to die. Whether that's the right thing to do or not, well that's not my decision. That's up to his mom and what she thinks is best. I have been asked to take care of him, to become his family when she passes away. His father is not in the picture. That's not an option. Without getting into detail, he's better off not living with his father. I have put a lot of thought into this situation, and have decided that I will take on the responsibility, the privilege, of raising her son.

It's going to be a big change in my life. I'm not married, my job keeps me away from home. A lot of changes will have to be made. I'm not worried about the financial aspects of things. His mother has left enough behind to take care of his needs for life. I'm more worried about Dalton's adjustment and mental well being. It will be a tough road ahead. I don't know for certain what i'll do, but I thought I would share. Just needed to vent a little I guess.

Justin,
Bravo! You have indeed taken on a great responsibility and I applaud you for it. Your life will indeed take a significant turn, for what I believe can be the most rewarding path one can take. I spent 8 years after I retired working in a residential setting as a Juvenile Sex Offender Counselor, working with boys’ ages 8 to 18, for the state of Ky.
Very little can compare to the feeling of knowing you have made a difference for a child that will lead to him having a better chance in becoming a productive member of society. Seeing “the light turn on” in a child’s eyes upon understanding of a taught concept, is an amazing feeling.
Good luck and know that all the sacrifices you make will be worth it in the long run.
Mike

JT,
email sent.

TD

Good on you! I counsel young adults and teens, many of who are struggling with traumatic events. The deaths of parents is not an uncommon story. My advice is to foster emotional intelligence. Role model and teach connecting with your emotions and talking about how you feel. It makes a huge difference in young people's lives.

Juston:

I tip my hat to you! Raising a kid is just about the biggest responsibility -- and much love, compassion, and guts are required to take this on.

I think the transition is going to be different for every kid (and the adults involved). But I think to the extent practicable -- honesty and openness with the boy will go a long way.

Wonder what (if anything) mom will share with her child regarding this? Also (not an expert here but just thinking out loud) -- what about legality? I assume this will be a legal adoption (to minimize future complications with the child's biological father)?

Edited by ben2world on 03/10/2010 11:31:07 MST.

Juston,
I don't have a lot of experience in child rearing to pretend to give you advice in that area. I would only advise to be yourself - because you are obviously a caring, strong, and emotionally driven individual which are obviously the characteristics required. You certainly show these traits in your post above.
We all wish you and everyone involved the best in the future!
Marc

I'm not a parent myself. I am an adoptee, so this subject is about as personal as it gets for me. I applaud your courage and compassion in this undertaking. Never let Dalton forget his history and his mother's legacy. Roots ground us, and give us a base from which to grow.

Bless you Juston, and all other adoptive/foster parents.

The Talmud, Sanhedrin 37a states:

"...and whosoever preserves a single soul..., scripture ascribes [merit] to him as though he had preserved a complete world."

Edited by ewolin on 03/10/2010 11:02:28 MST.

I can't really think of the right words, but let me give it a shot by saying: Well done and good luck.

Be sure to line up help, as much and as soon as you can.

If I had known how great it is to have a kid, I would have
done it earlier.

She would not have chosen you if she did not think it would be the best spot for Dalton. While you may have to give up a few things what you will gain from sharing your life with a child will be so much greater.

As a father of 3 (2 of which are step children that live with me full time) there is nothing better then seeing them happy.

I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason... so there is a reason that all this is happening to you.

I don't know either of you personally, but I would venture to say that even at this difficult point in her life, finding a suitable guardian for her boy brings her a peace of mind few of us could imagine. Good luck to you all, and God bless.

Hi Juston

Big change! Big responsibility. Serious commitment by you - best wishes.

You know, at 6 years old, he should be able to go on walking trips with you. Just maybe that would be an excellent thing to be doing to give him the support he will need? You could tell his mother about this too.

And you can buy him gear ... :-)

Cheers and best wishes
Roger Caffin

Justin,

"My life is about to change", and for the better.

I'm having Ron make me a custom MLD sleep system, SL bivy and Spirit quilt, sized for my child. I would be happy to have him make a set for you at the same time. This will help to get both you and Dalton off to a good start.

With the two kids being close in age we will need to arrange a future adventure.

Thom

6 is such a fun, quirky, challenging, amazing age. You're taking on a daunting task... but the love that will come into your life will blow you away. What an honor.

If I lived near you I would offer some babysitting free of charge! I used to nanny. :) 4-6 was my absolute favorite age group.

There was a really good article on a child whose father faced terminal illness in the NY times. It might comfort you a bit in terms of that anxiety about not knowing how Dalton will adjust. He is at a very resilient, intelligent, empathetic age. I'll see if I can dig up the link tomorrow morning.

Juston,
I'd like to thank you for posting this. Why? Because it underlines an important part of BPL, for me, anyways.

It highlights that we are a community that is caring and trusting enough not only to help each other with our gear addictions, but for actual real issues that matter most. You (and as a few others have done) writing a post of such personal magnitude demonstrates a sense of humility and community just as much does a rally to help someone in need.

You said that you needed to get that off your chest. Expressing yourself here speaks volumes about what BPL has become--for you as well as the community.

While I will always look to BPL for advice on backpacking, it seems to me that I am learning about many other things as well--things that I never really thought I'd learn from a backpacking forum.

Bless your heart, Justun, for truly walking the walk. I have one good friend and an acquaintance who have accepted a like responsibility. In both cases it was, and is, an enormous challenge, but with commensurate rewards. Neither of them would change a thing if they had it to do over again. I hope you keep us up to date as things progress. Lots of support here if you need it.

Tom

22 years ago my wife and I got a phone call from an old friend asking us to take care of her 6month old daughter so she could get straight. She never did and I am so gratefull as Lacey has been the best thing in our lives. She just graduated from college and is looking to make her mark in the world. I also took 2 single moms and their 3 boys, two 8 year olds and one 7 on their first (for the boys) backpacking trip to Tangle Blue Lake in the Trinity Alps and they loved it!! So go for it and if you are ever in N CA. I'd be glad to take you both out on a hike.

Juston - you will not regret being a father and mentor. That child will have a tough battle ahead with the loss of his mother and your support will undeniably help him get through this.

God bless you, the child, and his mother.

Thanks to everyone for the support and kind words. I'll update this from time to time. I'm not the kind of person who scares easily, but I won't lie... This has me scared a bit. I feel good about things though. I know it will be ok.

Thom,

When the time is right, plan on it. I look forward to
it.